“Papers”

 

The Last Train To Paris

by: Lyrica Thomas

 

I see lights, I feel pain, I taste defeat, I hear the rain, and I smell manure and the smell of the seasons changing.  Life is changing and coming at you fast, are you ready to accept the call? Will you take this journey? Redemption is calling; it’s waiting for you to accept it. It also wants you to work hard it wants to test you and see how far you will go for victory. Here is the monomythc journey of Rennell, follow her on her last train to Paris.

            It was one dreary day, a brisk March day to be exact. Rennell set out on her day, she would go to school attend cheerleading practice after and then it would be off to home for a night of extensive studying for exams. Never did she imagine that this in fact would be her last day of high school for a long time. She didn’t think she would miss Easter and all its festivities, she never thought this day would thoroughly change her life. Rennell woke up feeling this eerie sense of discomfort, for some strange reason she really just did not feel like herself. She checked her temperature, all clear. She ate something, appetite was as normal as usual. She bathed and clothed herself just like she would any other day. The day still seemed very weird. Her male friend Renaud was on time to pick her up for school as he usually is. She got a good morning text from a love name Darren just like she had gotten the day before. Her best friend Chauniece called to ask her if she was up and ready for school and her mother had her morning coffee extra cream two sugars ready as usual. So why did this day feel so different?  As the day progressed, school started for the day and Rennell seemed determined to shake these strange feelings. Around 4^th period when she began to feel sick, confused, disoriented and strange.  She requested a pass to visit the infirmary to seek a professional opinion. In the infirmary, Rennell was asked to simply express how she felt and she looked at the nurse and replied.”I would like to die…”

             Before we go too far let’s get a history lesson on Rennell. Rennell was born to a mentally ill mother and a deadbeat dad. Rennell had a reasonable childhood until things got rough. All of a sudden there was no more money and life wasn’t as comfortable as before. Her Mother began to date and slowly forget about her children and she was constantly being abused by her grandmother.  To make matters worse her grandmother had a very bad substance abuse problem therefore she became very unpredictable. Rennell was accustomed to being let down and hurt although she always had a motivation to do well and succeed. Rennell was driven by disappointment and she was so ready to not end up like her family.

            As she stood in the nurses office and told the nurses how she felt the school counselor was immediately contacted and summons to the office. They were instructed to lead Rennell into a room and attempt to get down to the core of the issue. If that method was not affective they were then instructed to contact law enforcement for further treatment. As the counselors were given instructions Rennell has wondered just what she had gotten herself into. As school was set to end for the day Rennell found that she was still being interrogated by the school counselors, and no matter how many questions they answered she just could not fathom why she really wanted to die. Towards the end of the session she did promise the counselor that she would not harm herself until she sought professional help, this was a promise that Rennell never kept.

            On the way home Rennell felt like she was going to be ok. She felt like the feelings were just a phase and that things would eventually get better. As she approached the door, she called her male friend as usual to tell him that she had gotten home safely. When he acquired an explanation as to why she came home so late, she simply replied “I would like to die…”Renuad immediately got scared and tried to talk some sense into Rennell but nothing seemed to help and Rennell began tell Renaud her goodbyes and she eventually hung up the phone. Rennell’s mother arrived home and quickly noticed that her daughter tried to overdose on pills and when Rennell noticed that her mom was aware she proceeded to lock herself in the bathroom. As Rennell became more and more out of hand, the mother requested help from the neighbor but not even the neighbor could control Rennell. Half clothed and high strung Rennell was eventually handcuffed and hauled away to an emergency psychiatric hospital. There she was 302’d but because of fair behavior she was then only 102’d. Her mother was there every step of the way because that was the only visitor she was entitled to. After a full day of questioning, she was asked one more time. “Would you like to live”? Rennell replied “NO” and this warranted admission into the Friend’s Hospital of Philadelphia. Rennell was admitted as the oldest kid on the third ward.  As much as she cried, begged, and pleaded it was still apparent that this place would become her home until she had decided to do right by herself.

            Getting adjusted to life on ward three was different and very hard. She was admitted as level one meaning she was not able to go outside to have fun, she was allowed one call a day, and she was not able to wear regular clothes. All sharp objects were taken out of sight and she was not able to lock her room door. She came in contact with many archetypes such as the doctor (ruler), the fool (a young crip/mother), the medicine distributor (the destroyer) and Beautiful the ward’s temptress. Rennell was asked immediately if she would like to look into taking any medications. Rennell disagreed and therefore had to go through a long process to ensure that she did not need to be forcibly placed on these medications.  As the days went on Rennell became accustomed to her life she was elevated to level 2 and then 3, but she was still being closely monitored at night by “sleep watchers” and because of her violent movements she was still falling all of her assessments. She was still seen as a danger to herself, therefore she was still on watch.

            Rennell began to finally interact with the people of ward 3. She decided not to make friends but to at least be on a speaking basis with the other patients. She met Colleen, Pedro, Michelle and a girl named Beautiful. Beautiful was quite fond of Rennell and she was constantly making sexual passes. Rennell was sure that she was not lesbian, but the way beautiful came on so naturally she began to question curiosity. Those feelings quickly went away when she realized that she could get letters and she received her first letter from Renaud. The letter meant a lot to Rennell and she read it almost every day. She felt as though she was falling for Renaud and she liked the fact that he was supporting her during her rough patch. She was still confused about Darren; however, she loved him too. Lately it just seemed that he was not as loyal or in tune with Rennell and for that she felt more comfort in Renaud.  It was not until the day that Rennell had a meeting with her mother did she realize that just maybe she could get through this, beat this and live to tell her story. Her mother encouraged her, she prayed for her, and she read comforting scriptures from the bible. She reminded her daughter that “She could do all things through Christ that strengthened her…” (Philippians 4:13). She told her she loved her and always reminded her that she lived inside of her.

            The next day Rennell woke up with a new attitude and mindset and she was ready to get well. It was around noon time, Art time was over lunch had just begun and for Rennell’s group it was almost time for Focus Group. The night before Rennell had overheard some of the other kids talking about fighting the focus group leaders and then trying to escape. She had learned that Clarissa, the ward’s bully was in the middle of all of it and that they were going to carry out with this plan during the next day’s meeting. Renell contemplated pretending to be sick, so that she could go to clinic during Focus Group thus not even witnessing what might actually happen, when that didn’t work Rennell decided that she should go to protect Michelle the youngest kid on the ward. As focus group went on, Clarissa all of a sudden rose and struck the focus instructor. Expecting her friends to follow up she continued but to her dismay the others had chickened out and she was then on her own. She was seized, restrained and drugged with Haldol to calm her.  Rumors began to circulate about what really happened and officials became curious about what happened. Rennell seemed to be the only one with a clear account of the incident thus making her the representative in the case of Friends employees vs. the kids of Ward 3. Rennell wanted the officials to see why the incident occurred and also to sustain the innocence of the other kids who clearly were not involved. It was the justice served, that sent Rennell straight into her own personal moment of apotheosis. She was later on honorably discharged and for once she felt like she could finally live her life. Before her final hour she spent her time saying her goodbyes and the ward as a whole made a pact to never communicate with each other after this experience. Each ward member decided it was best to walk past another if spotted in the streets and to never look for conversation, and with bright smiles they all agreed. Upon discharge Rennell was reunited with friends, family and most of all Renaud and she finally felt like she could go on and love Renaud.

            Leaving the ward was supposed to be a good thing, and so it was. Still Rennell wrestled with adjustment to reality. She did not feel like she could go back to living in reality therefore she basked in her own bliss until she realized that she had valuable information and that it must be shared among people her age.  She then became a spokesperson for suicidal students and she held on to the scripture…”If God before us…who can be against us…”  With this time came a period where she had to emerge into her last threshold. She had to finally say goodbye to all the toxic things, people, and objects. She finally said hello to opportunity, education, and pride. She became a counselor, a support, a caregiver. Rennell remembered her moment of apotheosis, and the feeling of victory she felt. She wanted other kids her age feeling the same way to reach their very own moment of apotheosis.

            Today Ms.Rennell is a junior in college. She has real friends in her life that care about her and what happens to her. She finally not only has a mother but a mommy to call her own and to love unconditionally. Renaud is still in the picture, although the feelings are gone and they are now nothing more than friends. She is set to enter law school in just about two years, and she is madly in love with a man name John, whom she still can’t believe how perfect he really is. As for Darren, well he’s long gone and that is someone Rennell will never look back for again.  Rennell now knows the worth of life. She now has reasons to live. Rennell is Free to live, she knows that life is not perfect but one thing is for sure, she will continue to move forward and eventually create her own happily ever after.

 

 

 

Works Cited:

Song: Washington, T, “Me”, More, New York, New York J Records, October 2008

Song: Moore, A “Sober”, Funhouse, LaFace Records, Atlanta, Georgia, 11/23/2008

Book: Kaysen, Susanna Girl Interrupted, New York City, Vintage Books, 1999